New Year, New Look, Another Try

Lisa and my daughter Hope, both told me last night that they missed my blogging and that I should write again. So, I brought up the site...dusted off the keyboard and took one look at the format and went...Yeah, too dark. And here is the new look! I like that it's brighter and happier to look at. SO...here's to a new year, new look and a return of Vince from the blog!

Calling Mr. Lewis

“There is but one good; that is God. Everything else is good when it looks to Him and bad when it turns from Him.”

“There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, in the end, "Thy will be done." All that are in Hell, choose it. Without that self-choice there could be no Hell. No soul that seriously and constantly desires joy will ever miss it. Those who seek find. Those who knock it is opened.”

“Good beats upon the damned incessantly as sound waves beat on the ears of the deaf, but they cannot receive it. Their fists are clenched, their teeth are clenched, their eyes fast shut. First they will not, in the end they cannot, open their hands for gifts, or their mouth for food, or their eyes to see.”

At my ripe 55 years of age, I have heard MANY quotes from C.S. Lewis, I've heard countless sermons that have referred either to his works or his life...however, I am ashamed to say that I haven't personally read any of his writings...I am about to correct that error. This past Saturday, Lisa and I decided to take a day and go to the Minnesota State Fair. We had a few errands to run before heading out of town, so we didn't hit the road until some time around noon. We stopped for coffee and enjoyed our 2 1/2 hour trip talking, laughing and listening to music. Unfortunately our plans went terribly awry in that we spent 2 hours trying to find a place to park in several different Park n Rides...I guess we should have thought about it being the last weekend of the Fair and that everyone else from the surrounding states also thought it would be a wonderful idea to attend the Fair! 

After coming up fruitless in our 2 hour parking search, we were tired of driving around and getting more than a little frustrated, I suggested we abandon the Fair and just go get some supper in the Mall of America. After we ate and did a little shopping, we ended up at Barnes and Noble (another one of our favorite places to visit). I was perusing the men's devotionals and C.S. Lewis's Mere Christianity caught my eye. I read the dust jacket of that and about 6 books of his and thought...'Why haven't I ever read any of his books?' I didn't have an answer to that question...but I DID hear God challenge me slightly...'Here's an author that is both challenging spiritually AND intellectual...' Ouch...you see, men's devotionals have been hit and miss with me...many that I have tried reading I've either felt were aimed at spiritually young men or I simply couldn't connect with the author's style of writing and so I end up setting the study aside.

SO...I purchased a 10 book collection of C.S. Lewis's writings. I'm excited to read again.

~ V

Blogging...

Blogging to me has ALWAYS been an outlet for me to put into writing the things that are in my heart or on my mind. It personal, sometimes quite deep other times not so much...but always personal. I tried the route of making my BLOG into a goofy one...relating silly, often stupid things I've read or heard, but that's not me. Blogging for me is like journaling...a place I can record life, my life...good or bad, happy or not so much...my thoughts...my fears...my angst...my joy.
But throughout the years that I've Blogged, I've come to the realization that the style in which I WISH to express myself (raw and honest, heavy at times) has\can upset people at times. That's when I attempted to 'change' the way I wrote...I avoided serious topics and wrote about things that honestly, didn't matter to me, like the stupid things men do. It just got to the point where my heart wasn't in it anymore.
 I look at my Blog as a place I can write what's weighing on my mind...argue with myself...pour my heart out to. And frankly, no one should be able to censor my thoughts...my concerns. So, I had stopped writing in order to avoid any possible censoring or disagreements.
I'm not really sure where I go from here

Why do you Blog?

The Road I Traveled

Over the past several weeks I have had many friends and family encourage me and congratulate me on my decision to undergo weight loss surgery and in pursuing a healthier lifestyle in general. The thing is, I didn’t come to this decision lightly or quickly and I know I’ve mentioned that before, but I hadn’t provided details on any of it…not that I was keeping or hiding any of that, but my mind was fully focused on what the RIGHT decision was.

I first seriously started talking and thinking about weight loss surgery 8 years ago. I was SO tired of trying a diet having some modicum of success, start making exceptions to my regimen then abandoning the diet all together…just to gain the weight back…PLUS more. I’d gotten to the point where if my wife suggested a new diet I’d almost immediately write it off as ‘Diets do not WORK…at least for me.’ It wasn’t until just recently that I discovered that Diets CAN work…but honestly they’re not sustainable. I mean seriously, can you survive the rest of your life on the cooked cabbage diet? So 8 years ago, I talked to my doctor about his thoughts on weight loss surgery his take was that while they are effective at helping people lose a large amount of weight, there can be some psychological repercussions. He went on to explain that while they aren’t certain why, but couples who one of the two have undergone weight loss surgery, they have seen a significant increase in divorce. I tried to find out if this impact was reduced at all if both couples were deeply committed Christians and at the time really didn’t find an answer. But his answer was enough to make me shelve the idea at the time.

As the next 8 years passed, a few things happened. I continued to gain weight…and I got older. The years of neglect to my body and health started to take a toll…my joints hurt, knees, back and I found that any sort of exercise was painful and wouldn’t go away after multiple tries. A few years back we watched the documentary Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead. This is a really good documentary that talks about processed foods and how awful they are for us. The documentary clicked with me, the science they showed behind their findings made sense to me and to this day I still believe they are right about food that’s manufactured in America today. They push a Juicing diet and we tried that and while I DID lose a significant amount of weight, this too was not sustainable…again gained all the weight back PLUS more. But I learned a lot about nutrition and exactly how bad processed foods are. This caused me to THINK more about the choices I made when we couldn’t cook.

It was at this point that I basically gave up…I remember thinking to myself, ‘Well…here I am, I’ve tried many diets to an ultimate negative result. There IS no magic pill…no magic path to losing weight…this is obviously who God made me to be and I will live this way until the day God has determined I will breath my last.’ I just stopped caring. That doesn’t mean that I just ate whatever and whenever, I still had my Diabetes to manage (which I wasn’t doing that great at…my A1C at one point was 10.4) and while I KNEW I had to incorporate exercise into my life to get healthy, I simply was in too much pain…walking from the parking lot into work left me winded and in pain…so I avoided exercise.

It was early last year that I started talking about weight loss surgery again with Lisa. She was concerned as this is NOT a reversible surgery and it permanently modifies your body. My concern was if I CAN’T make the changes I needed both physically and mentally on my own, what made me think I could with surgery? So I continued to pray about it and wrestle with it over the next few months. My wife and I attended an informational (and required) educational seminar on Bariatric Surgery. In that seminar the man said many things which I had thought before, like diets…even Bariatric surgery isn’t a magic-pill…they are simply TOOLS. If a carpenter picked up a hammer and tried to use it to cut a board to length, it’s NOT going to work very well…he needs to know HOW to use the tools in his toolbox. My health continued to decline…I didn’t sleep well, no stamina for even standing to cook…I finally had enough…I wanted to seriously pursue weight loss surgery. I decided it was MORE important to BE here for my wife, kids and family then it was for any sacrifice of food I would have to face. But you SO enjoy cooking! How’s surgery going to effect that? I still have my arms and desire to create GOOD food…that’s never going to change. What about the warning your earlier doctor gave you about possible psychological repercussions? God is my source of EVERYTHING, if Lisa and I keep GOD central in ALL things, I have faith this won’t be an issue. For the next 6 months, I saw the bariatric nutritionist once month, met my surgeon, had my mind examined by a Psychologist twice and had several meetings with the PA that was assigned to me. All of which I must say were VERY helpful, honest and encouraging.

…and that brings us to a week before surgery…nervous? Somewhat, who wouldn’t be? Concerns? Only one…one that I had been wrestling with for a while now…if God is my source for EVERYTHING, why do I need surgery? Should I even be considering this surgery? So, as I do whenever I need answers to life, I turn back to the source…His word. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20  Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies. Ok…conviction! Ugh…yes, I KNOW Lord that I have utterly failed at honoring you with my body…but wait…then I thought, what’s the next step AFTER conviction? …Repentance. Repentance is more than simply acknowledging your wrongdoings. It’s a change of mind and heart. It’s a turning away from, setting aside, removing yourself from. Repentance requires change. I began to understand that God could accomplish His will through this surgery. Then in the midst of my seeking God’s will in this, I came across a fellow Christian’s opinion on the internet. When asked; ‘Do you think surgery as a weight loss option is “against God”? I have struggled a long time…and am beginning to consider this option. Can it not be a blessing from God, having this technology and knowledge to even be able to have this done? I know God can move mountains…including my weight. Does my interest in this mean a lack of faith?’ While I myself never felt that my decision displays any lack of faith, I HAVE consider the possibility of WHO AM I to alter that which God created…’ The person’s response was this; ‘You asked if I thought weight loss surgery was “against God.” As you said, the bible doesn’t specifically say anything about that so each believer needs to seek the Lord for themselves. But I can tell you the evaluation I’ve personally made. Surgeries are generally used as a tool to fix something that is broken. Do you believe that something is wrong with the way your stomach or digestive system functions? Or is the problem with your heart and mind and the obesity merely a side effect of your health habits?’ That response set me back on my heels a bit and I got a little angry at first…then God pointed out to me that this person’s response was based on the assumption that the person considering weight loss surgery hadn’t addressed the real and deep seeded hurts that were the root cause of the weight gain to begin with and that under His blood, I have none of those root causes.

Duet 5:33 - Walk in obedience to all that the Lord your God has commanded you, so that you may live and prosper and prolong your days in the land that you will possess.

Heb 12:1 - Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us to Him be Glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and EVER! Amen!

Two and a Half Weeks

Well…I’m 2.5 weeks into this…torture?...Mad Scientist experiment?...I jest, but seriously, some of those thoughts have floated through my already warped mind. Some of this has been tough…my Bariatric team told me that most people no longer feel hungry and have to remind themselves to eat…LIES! I’m hungry 2 hours after I eat and by the time I reach the next meal time, I’m more than ready to eat. I’m sure most of this is because I’m on a liquid only diet (for the first 3 weeks), so the instruction of a more solid diet with protein should help with this. I smelled Texas Roadhouse the other day as I drove past it and had the urge for a steak SO badly…my body is craving MEAT! Also figuring out what upsets my stomach and eating SLOWLY and learning when enough is enough! Oh...BTW, enough is about 6 oz. 

No, this definitely is the path to a new food lifestyle and healthy living for me. Have I had some struggles? Of course! But what path to success doesn’t include struggles? During my pre-Op meetings, the nutritionist explained that I may find that some foods I enjoyed before, I no longer will and some that I hadn’t before, I may. Example, naturally sweet things might seem sickeningly sweet, certain flavors may no longer appeal to me. I had Beer-Cheese soup the other night…NEVER EVER AGAIN…I’m not sure why, but it sent my stomach into such convulsions that I wanted to die. Maybe it was a higher fat content…maybe it was the beer flavor…or perhaps the cheese, all I know is I NEVER want to experience that feeling again. All in all, I’m getting along well. For the first time in a LONG while my diabetes is well controlled (ave BGL has been 103 since surgery) and because of this AND the initial weight loss, I no longer have the pain in my knees or in my back that I previously had. I am also able to walk longer distances without huffing and puffing.

I’ve lost almost 30 lbs since the surgery and just under 50 lbs since November. The clothes that I saved from years ago because “I will need them when I lose weight” are the clothes I am wearing because the newer pants I have literally fall off my hips. They look like ridiculous ‘clown pants’.

My family has been great! The kids have helped pick up the slack at home and have really helped Lisa and I out with very little resistance. I love our kids! Lisa…I could write a whole entry on her alone! I am convinced I am the most blessed man on the face of the Earth! She has taken on all the responsibilities, running and workload on and I will never be able to properly express how thankful and appreciative I am. She’s been thoughtful and caring, concerned and supportive, loving and a nurse when I’ve needed it. When I think of Proverbs 31:10-31, with full humility and honesty, she IS a wife of noble character, whose worth FAR exceeds ANY precious stone and I love her with all of my heart.

I ask for your continued prayers as I continue to strive for health and I walk out my faith through this. What is God’s will in this? What is God’s will for me in the future? I pray that I am open to His leading, His will and His purposes.

~ Vince

What if...

What if they start the surgery and discover something that prevents them from proceeding? Like some unknown defect...or cancer?

What if they do the surgery and I fall into the 1/2 of the 1% who experience chronic pain and have constant issues for the rest of their lives?

What if I lose a bunch of weight just to gain it all back...and then some?

What if I lose a bunch of weight...and it changes who I am?

What if I go into surgery and something goes terribly wrong?

What if...

For the first time during this whole process, yesterday my mind was filled with fear...fear of the unknown. This is strange for me because I KNOW and have practically always known that the number of breaths I draw is a finite thing.  God Himself knew the moment of my birth as well as the moment I will breathe my last, since the dawn of time itself.  If God troubles Himself with knowing the number of the very hairs on our heads (Matt 10:30), trust me, He knows. So, quite honestly, I really haven’t wasted much time on the subject of dying. BUT…I KNOW and TRUST Him who demonstrates His love and grace for me, every single day because while none of us are guaranteed even one more day, He does promise to NEVER leave or FORSAKE us...in all things, He is with us. God tells us 365 separate times in His Word to ‘Fear Not’. He knows the human condition...He KNOWS we live in a fallen World and the dangers, troubles and fears we all face and He tells us over and over again in His Word that HE is our refuge...that HE is our strength...HE is our source of wisdom, life and knowledge.

After thinking through this…praying through this and reading God’s Word concerning this, I’ve come to the conclusion that Satan is up to his old ways again…trying to instill fear and doubt. But with God’s help, I WILL not allow it…Romans 12:2 comes to mind as a pivotal verse not just in dealing with misplaced fears…but in this whole process to better health… ‘Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.’

What if I lose all this weight and achieve the healthy lifestyle I’ve always desired?

What if I lose all this weight and God uses me to inspire others for His Glory?

What if I lose all this weight and I’m graced with seeing my children, grandchildren & great-grandchildren grow into faith filled, honorable men & women?

What if I lose all this weight and Lisa & I grow old together, laughing and praising God together for a very, very long time?

2 Timothy 1:12(b) - … for I know whom I have believed and I am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day.

I know not why God’s wondrous grace
To me He hath made known,
Nor why, unworthy, Christ in love
Redeemed me for His own.

I know not how this saving faith
To me He did impart,
Nor how believing in His Word
Wrought peace within my heart.

I know not how the Spirit moves,
Convincing men of sin,
Revealing Jesus through the Word,
Creating faith in Him.

I know not what of good or ill
May be reserved for me,
Of weary ways or golden days,
Before His face I see.

I know not when my Lord may come,
At night or noonday fair,
Nor if I walk the vale with Him,
Or meet Him in the air.

But “I know Whom I have believed,
And am persuaded that He is able
To keep that which I’ve committed
Unto Him against that day.”

What if we spent less time in worry and fear? And more time in resting in His Word and promises?

For God…for His Glory…for His honor…for His praise.

WHAT has happened to me!

If you know me at all, you know that I am NOT a lover of Country Music. With that said there have always been a few exceptions take Patsy Kline for example, while I don’t like all of her music there are many songs that I actually enjoy. I KNOW this is because I remember my mother singing them when I was a young child. Another exception is The Zac Brown Band. His music is generally fun and in my opinion, not strictly country. My wife on the other hand is a fully immersed lover of the genre. If you took one look at her iPod, you would quickly surmise that it’s basically split into three genres: Praise Music, Elton John & Country music.  I LOVE Praise Music! In fact, I sang on various Praise Teams for about 17 years and I even enjoy Elton John every now and then, but I’m here to tell you…when Saturday rolls around, Lisa usually gets the hankerin’ to get her country on…I’m pretty good and generally put up with it for a time (HEY! I even took her to a Garth Brooks concert a few years back!), Lisa can usually tell when I’ve had enough…might be the loud sighing and eye-rolling, but you’ll need to ask her to be sure.

I was recently introduced to Spotify. If you aren’t familiar with Spotify, it’s a music streaming service similar to Pandora. The sound quality is supposedly better on Spotify, I don’t really know. Anyway, So it wasn’t long before I started putting together playlists: Kansas, ELO, Casting Crowns, Crowder…you can even put playlists from different albums like I have a Broadway playlist that contains my favorite songs from many various shows. Oh, and a Bluegrass Gospel…wait, WHAT? How’d THAT get in there…and moreover, WHY? When I revealed this to Lisa, she laughed at me and was very surprised! After all, here I am, a very outspoken anti-country music person…and yet, Bluegrass.

Wicked Path of Sin

In this awful world of sorrow
On this wicked path of sin
Never thinking of tomorrow
Or what I'd lose in the end

Oh I can hear (oh I can hear) the joy bells ringing
Where my friends (where my friends) and loved ones wait
Oh I can hear the angels singing (sweet singing)
Just inside (just inside) those pearly gates

I can hear my savior calling
Saying come unto me
Wash away your sins forever
And you shall rest eternally

Now I'm safe with my Jesus
He will guide me on my way
I will sing His praise forever
We'll meet in heaven some sweet day

Click here to listen to the song 

…I had to really think about why I had this attraction to this genre of music. I seriously contemplated this for about 3 days…the obvious element is the harmonies. I’ve sang in enough choirs and men’s quartets that harmonies come very naturally to me and when I hear them, I quite naturally want to add my own. However, it was more than the harmonies. When you listen to the song above, you can’t say these guys have well trained voices…none of them do…there’s something about early music…raw, not over-produced that I find interesting and am drawn to it. Some of this has to do with the simplicity of it…the music, the words even. Simple, but true. But even with these realizations…there was something deeper. There was something that connected Bluegrass deep within me. A few days later, I called my sister Donna and during our conversation I brought this Bluegrass thing up and she reminded me that when we were quite young (4 or 5 for me, 6 or 7 for her), my parents were friends with another family. These were great people, if my dad ever needed help with something, the Mr of the house would be there to help him. That aside, this family was or was the closest thing to real hillbillies I had even seen. What Donna reminded me was that on Friday nights, people (maybe relatives, I don’t know) would gather at their house with guitars, mandolins and yes, washboards and play Bluegrass music. Us kids would be playing in another room, but we plainly heard the music, people laughing, singing and Joe always had his pipe.

So Bluegrass connects me back to my childhood, memories of Friday night’s spent at Joe & Eunice’s and of simpler times…vintage times. Excuse me while I sit back and listen to Rank Strangers.