Lost and found
For the past week and a half, I've felt beaten down...like the entire weight of the world was on my and only my shoulders. Honestly, nothing really happened to make me feel that way...I just did. I was pretty somber and Lisa on several occasions asked me what was wrong...I just said that I was tired or something. I know I should have opened up to her...but I just didn't know how to put what I was feeling into words without really freaking her out. I knew I felt this overwhelming weight and I was sad...tired...hope seemed very far away. I felt that I had failed my children...failed as a father to ensure they were brought up in the Lord...felt that I had failed my wife because after a year and a half of trying to 'blend' our families, it seems that someone is always unhappy...but it's VERY hard to 'blend' kids who much of the time are like oil and water...and I know that causes both of us a lot of stress. I also felt I failed her because I promised to be her rock...promised to be her safe place...her unsinkable ship. But much like the Titanic, there are times when the water is dark and I can't see the icebergs. As these thoughts took root in my head, the more withdrawn and somber I became. I was utterly defeated...and I honestly didn't know what to do...
I love my wife! God has given me exactly what I need in her. She comforts me when needed, but also holds me accountable. She is supportive and loving, but can also counsel me when the need arises. Kind and caring, beautiful and sensitive...I love her with all of my heart! After moping around for 10 days, it was Lisa who actually helped me realize that I hadn't been in the Word lately...I know...you'd think after everything I've talked about here...after all I've experienced, that I'd know better. I fell into the trap that many people do...I let the cares and worries of my circumstances distract me...and instead of running to the One who is more capable of handling them than I, I handled them myself and, well...we know how that turned out. Lisa, in her loving, patient way, helped pull me out from under the raincloud I was under...did I mention that I LOVE her??
By the way, I thank God that the 'hull' of our marriage isn't held together by the sheer force of our wills and desires...which, by itself is about equal to the strength of Dollar Store aluminum foil...but instead is reinforced and strengthened by our bond in Christ and slices through those icebergs like a hot knife!