Black (and blue) Friday

Did everyone have a good Thanksgiving? We certainly did...we had 18 people, family and boyfriend/girlfriends. I did the majority of the cooking, which is fine, because I love doing it...however, if you ask Lisa, I get stressed when I cook for a big event such as Thanksgiving...I must admit that it's true...but I only get stressed because I put alot of pressure on myself in an attempt to make everything perfect. I hadn't thought much about it before this year, but I think I'm subconsciously trying to re-create the Thanksgiving's I remember as a child (where's Dr. Phil when I need him!). Anyway, we survived and everyone stuffed themselves, which left us with very little left-overs, so that MUST say something about the quality of the feast!

Lisa, Donna and Brittany (wife, sister & daughter), decided to keep capitalism alive and well in the USA, by going out and braving the 'Black Friday' experience (them and every other household in America!). They aren't quite as fanatical as some that I know, they got up around 7am, had some breakfast and were out the door before 9am, but I know they had fun!

Thinking about Black Friday, and the hoards of people who trudge out at un-holy hours, to act like barbarians and scratch and fight over the last 'Tickle Me Elmo', got me thinking about all those toys that I JUST had to, in memory of Christmases past, may I present...

Everything on this list is totally insane. Maybe you have fond memories of some of the items on this list, but remember: we were kids, and our logic was impaired. Of course we all thought watching metal roll down steps or spinning on a plastic disk until you threw up was a reasonable way to spend our time. But now that we're parents, let's look at these toys with a little more perspective . . .

10. Jarts

The object of Jarts (or lawn darts), was to place two plastic circles twenty feet or so apart and similar to horseshoes, throw these METAL TIPPED missiles into the air, trying to get them to land in the circle...I personally think if you remained un-punctured by the end of the game, you were a winner! Lawn darts, with their sharp metal projectile-ness, came from a simpler time when only one out of three kids survived childhood and everybody was okay with that. You should never allow your child to play with a toy that you'd be wary to have drunk Uncle Frank play with. Just read the warning label...YA THINK?!!!

9. Skip It

Hey kid, don't have any friends to jump rope with? Do the neighborhood kids choose you to be IT during hide-and-seek and then proceed to run into their prospective homes, leaving you to search for hours on end? Did mom and dad have to tie a steak around your neck to get the dog to play with you? Let me introduce myself — I'm Skip It, the jumping game for outcasts like you! We're going to have a lot of fun together. By the way, if you fail to jump over me, I will slap you hard in the leg...

8. The Hokkaido Poo Poo Bear (Japan)

This is simply a poop-themed bear...Does it poop? Don't know. Does it eat poop? That's not clear and honestly? I don't want to know. The only thing that IS for sure is that this bear is quite enthusiastic about associating itself with fecal matter. Yes, disturbing...Maybe poop means something different in Japan...

7. Airport X-ray Security Machine
What every kid dreams of...pretending to be a TSA agent! Spend hours of fun trying to catch terrorists and smugglers! Make your friends take their shoes off and line up for special pat-downs and wand searches! Coming soon; The Kiddy FAA Cavity Search Kit, and My First Guantanamo Bay Playset with Habeas Corpus Removal Wand!

6. Pet Rock
How about a 'Pet-I'll-Chuck-This-Back-At-Your-Head-You-Cheapo-Dad?' Need I say more??

5. The Rubber Band Gun

Merry Christmas kid - here's a gun, and while we're at it, here's your glass eye! With the potential for ocular injury associated with this toy, couldn't they have just called it The Lil' Cyclops Starter Kit?

4. PRO Thumb Wrestling Playset

ARRRRE YOOOU RRRREADY TO RRRRUMBLE??? 'I had him, I tell ya, I had him! I was bobbin and weavin, bobbin and weavin...I had him up against da ropes when outta da blue I got da woist hangnail...I coulda been a contenda, I tell ya...I coulda been a contenda.'
Hey kids! Check out this Pro Thumb Wrestling Playset. All you do is add thumbs...or maybe you could just thumb wrestle without binding yourself in this sadist's sharp plastic prison!

3. Lightning Reaction Extreme
What is the goal of this game? To not get electrocuted. What do you win? The right to not be electrocuted. Hope your kid doesn't have a weak heart or bladder for that matter. This toy quasi-safely allows your kids to explore their urge to electrocute themselves. As your kid grows older, he or she is naturally going to want to experiment with's perfectly natural...doesn't every kid want to feel the excitement of electrocuting themselves? Wouldn't you feel better providing it for them in the safety of your rumpus room rather than one day finding them attaching jumper cables to their friends in the garage?

2. Shirtless Sunburned Construction Worker Figure
The question is, is this a construction worker who just got hot, or is this a guy who spent too much time waiting on line for Village People reunion show tickets? I think the mustache says it all...The real question is, why is this necessary for a kids toy?

1. Sit and Spin
If you think about it, by giving a kid a toy...ANY toy, you the parent are saying, "Here, now go busy yourself with this and stay outta my hair for a while." And what better way to keep your child busy than with non-stop vomiting? This little wonder comes from the "nausea = entertainment" class of toys. It's like a mini version of the Gravitron ride at the county fair, but without that familiar carny smell. Operation of this toy is simple: the child sits, they spin, they get up and stagger away like a drunken sailor on fleet week, and then they walk directly into a wall.
So...whatever your little cherub has his/her heart set on this year for Christmas, I hope you were able to find it this past Friday...and I hope it doesn't end up on someone's future WORST list!
~ V


  1. Good Morning Dear Brother :) NOW This is Funny!! maybe sometime you could put down Your 10 worst toys you have received over time. well enjoy This day! love to you. debbie

  2. Oh me...we DON'T want to go there! ~ V


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