Reflections on a Journey - part 3

Writing in my BLOG and relating my thoughts, fears and struggles, gave me a sense of comfort and definitely had its therapeutic effects and got me through some of the darkest days of my life.
And then God delivered a droplet of hope onto my dry and weary soul. How many times had I cried out to God, ‘What now Lord?! You KNOW my soul! I know you understand this loneliness…this emptiness I feel!’ Even so, God continued to open the skies and the droplet became a shower. Without realizing it, the shower became a torrent and before I knew it, that small droplet of hope that God had blessed me with became a river which swept over me and even the kids. This river…this hope, washed away the grit and grime of despair and prepared me for where I am today!

River of Hope (by Lisa Evans)

There is a mighty river
Flowing out of your hand
To the dry and weary soul
Hope, like a river flows.
Oh, I’ve drank from this river
I thought would never end.
Now hope eludes me,
Loneliness ensues me
And calls me his friend.
Oh, friend…..I remember you.

River of hope
You’ve gone and left me dry
And I’ve not the will to try
To find my way again.
Lord of all,
Have you let go of my hand?
For I do not understand
Why I walk this path of life alone.

Have I not called you Savior?
Have you not called me your friend?
What have you healed me for?
This open door
That leads to emptiness?
Oh, I closed that door
So many years ago,
Still hope eludes me
Emptiness ensues me
And calls me his friend.
Oh, friend…..I remember you.

River of hope
You’ve gone and left me dry
And I’ve not the will to try
To find my way again.
Lord of all,
Have you let go of my hand?
For I do not understand
Why I walk this path of life alone.

Oh, I’ve lost my way
Come and find me, Lord
I’m desperate for you…
I’m desperate for you, Jesus.
There on the bank of this river
Comes my Savior again!
With His love, He moves me
In His arms, He soothes me
And calls me His friend.
Oh, friend…..I remember you.

River of hope
Flow into my soul
With my Savior, I know
I’ll find my way again.
Lord of all,
You’re still holding my hand
One day I’ll understand
Why I walked this path of life alone.
Jesus, I know I don’t walk this path alone.


Lisa wrote this song at or close to the same time that I was dealing with my feelings of loneliness and struggles against uselessness. She was dealing with her own inner struggles and desires after being alone for over three years. She wondered and struggled against the fact that while God didn’t remove her desire to love and be loved again…He hadn’t opened the door either. It was only after she had finally gotten to the point where God needed her to be…to the place that while she still desired to end her loneliness, she realized and accepted that having God was sufficient, that He opened that door…

…So, here we are, a year later and the path of tears and sorrows are clearly marked with the footprints of Jesus where He walked with me…with us, each and every step of the way. He protected me from bitterness and blaming Him, for which I am SO grateful. He truly became my source of comfort and strength. Am I perfect? Did I always make the right choices or decisions? No…and sometimes when I’m down and my spirit is heavy, the evil one takes advantage and hits those soft…sore spots and some of us still struggle with the whys and the meaning of it all and how to move on, but God has provided that river of hope which is always just a step away where we can cleanse and refresh ourselves. I have seen a great deal of healing in all of us and God wants to finish that…when each of us is ready.

Amy is sorely missed and loved. The legacy she left behind still lives on in our memories and our children. It lives on in the lives she touched and the children she taught. She will never be forgotten because I won’t allow it to happen…Lisa won’t allow it to happen and God won’t allow it to happen.

Ephesians 3:20-21 ‘Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.’

~ V

Reflections on a Journey - part 2

…The days came and went and the weeks ran together. When I laid in my bed alone at night and the house was quiet, my room dark and there was nothing to distract my thoughts…the demons of loneliness and doubt would assail my mind and attack my self-worth. How would I EVER make it?? What am I to do now? I can’t be both father and mother to my kids. Who was I kidding?

Like a worn and used toy, I felt like I was broken and useless…and just like a broken toy, would I be set upon a shelf…forgotten…collecting dust? Or simply just discarded… Often I would cry into the night, wondering if I would love or be loved again. I have never been the type of person who likes being alone for long periods of time. Loneliness does things to my mind and I tend to withdraw more and isolate myself, which creates more loneliness and just adds to my feelings of uselessness and despair. The funny thing is that I knew and recognized this about myself and yet, I had rarely done anything to stop it. For example, I KNEW while in the midst of these feelings, that if I turned to God’s word and started reading about His praises (Psalms), these feelings would quickly vanish because the thoughts had no root in truth.

Over the next several months, through prayer, reading God’s Word and the support of family and a few friends, God started to piece my life back together. As I said earlier, I had done most of my grieving in the midst of Amy’s journey. I fully admit that it was a VERY fine line to walk…grieving and yet trusting and having the faith that God could/would heal her. Faith begins when you see God on the mountain and you’re in the valley…you know that you’re too weak to make the climb. You see what you need…you look at what you have and what you have isn’t enough to accomplish anything…The biographies of bold disciples almost always begin with chapters of honest fear. Fear of death, fear of failure, fear of loneliness, fear of failing to trust that God knows what’s best for us…and so, feeling lost and utterly alone, I clung to God’s promises:

Jeremiah 29:11 ‘For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future’

Hebrews 13:5-6 ‘Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you. So we say with confidence, The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?’

John 14:27 ‘Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid’

Isaiah 26:3 ‘You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.’

~ V

Reflections on a Journey - part 1

...and so, the time is here, the count down has begun. A year has nearly past since Amy lost her battle with cancer and as I think back on that time and even go back and read my entries (in my other blog) for these dates, that time comes rushing back to me afresh. The things I wish we could have…even should have done used to haunt me and cause me much pain and even anger…are but a memory and have lost their significance. The one thing that stands out…has always stood out to me is her bravery and the peace that she displayed to the very end. Yes, she had moments where she was scared…moments of concern for the future, but these things did not rule her. Her bravery and her unwavering faith stood and even to this day still stands as a witness to all of what one should do when facing your own death.

This year has seen a lot of change in each of us, some wonderful and even miraculous…others not so much. Struggles to find ourselves in the midst of pain and sorrow…without a mother…without a wife, cut a deep furrow into the lives we grew accustomed to. Like solders on a battlefield, we wandered…shell shocked and weary, some of us searched for reasons why…and others searched for something…anything to fill the void of loneliness that was suddenly there. Anger, hurt, denial, loneliness, guilt and regret all pursued us and threatened to shake the very faith that Amy held onto and that had supplied the hope and peace all of us sorely needed and depended upon during this journey that all of us traversed. There is a window in our hearts through which we can see God. Once upon a time, for us, that window was clear…our view of God was crisp, sharply in focus and we could see God as vividly as we could see the leaves of a tree blowing in the wind or the rushing water flow over the rocks in a brook. Then suddenly and quite unexpectedly, the window cracked. A small pebble…a pebble of pain…had struck and broken the window. Abruptly and without warning, God wasn’t quite so simple to see. The view that was so crystal clear before, was distorted and twisted from the spider web of cracks that were spreading outward from where the pebble…the pain…impacted our lives. We were confused because our eyes couldn’t see that which our hearts knew to be true and for awhile, some of us started to question: God wouldn’t allow something like this to happen, would He? Hebrews 11:1 says, ‘Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.’ I came to realize that there are times when we can’t see Jesus…when everything around us is pitch black and the world is spinning and Satan is laughing and the world points their finger at you and it seems that you are surrounded and you have no where to go…when you can’t see Him, trust Him. Hebrews 13:5b says, ‘…Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.’ …though our view was dimmed and distorted and that which we did see frightened us…Jesus was closer than we thought...

~ V

Taking Him at His word...

Romans 8:37 'In ALL these things we have full victory through God, who showed His love for us...'

When it comes to healing our own spiritual condition, we don't stand a chance...we simply can not do it! We might as well be asked to pole-vault the moon. We don't have what it takes to heal or even BE healed...Our one and ONLY hope is that God will do for us what He did for the man at Bethesda; that He will step out of the temple and step into our life of hurt and helplessness. Which is exactly what He has done. I wish we...I wish I would always take Jesus at His word...

When He says we're forgiven, let's unload the guilt...
When He says we're valuable, let's throw off the doubt and believe Him...
When He says we're provided for, let's stop worrying how we'll make it through...

God's efforts are strongest when we finally realize that our efforts are useless.

~ V