…The days came and went and the weeks ran together. When I laid in my bed alone at night and the house was quiet, my room dark and there was nothing to distract my thoughts…the demons of loneliness and doubt would assail my mind and attack my self-worth. How would I EVER make it?? What am I to do now? I can’t be both father and mother to my kids. Who was I kidding?
Like a worn and used toy, I felt like I was broken and useless…and just like a broken toy, would I be set upon a shelf…forgotten…collecting dust? Or simply just discarded… Often I would cry into the night, wondering if I would love or be loved again. I have never been the type of person who likes being alone for long periods of time. Loneliness does things to my mind and I tend to withdraw more and isolate myself, which creates more loneliness and just adds to my feelings of uselessness and despair. The funny thing is that I knew and recognized this about myself and yet, I had rarely done anything to stop it. For example, I KNEW while in the midst of these feelings, that if I turned to God’s word and started reading about His praises (Psalms), these feelings would quickly vanish because the thoughts had no root in truth.
Over the next several months, through prayer, reading God’s Word and the support of family and a few friends, God started to piece my life back together. As I said earlier, I had done most of my grieving in the midst of Amy’s journey. I fully admit that it was a VERY fine line to walk…grieving and yet trusting and having the faith that God could/would heal her. Faith begins when you see God on the mountain and you’re in the valley…you know that you’re too weak to make the climb. You see what you need…you look at what you have and what you have isn’t enough to accomplish anything…The biographies of bold disciples almost always begin with chapters of honest fear. Fear of death, fear of failure, fear of loneliness, fear of failing to trust that God knows what’s best for us…and so, feeling lost and utterly alone, I clung to God’s promises:
Jeremiah 29:11 ‘For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future’
Hebrews 13:5-6 ‘Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you. So we say with confidence, The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?’
John 14:27 ‘Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid’
Isaiah 26:3 ‘You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.’