Reflections on a Journey - part 1

...and so, the time is here, the count down has begun. A year has nearly past since Amy lost her battle with cancer and as I think back on that time and even go back and read my entries (in my other blog) for these dates, that time comes rushing back to me afresh. The things I wish we could have…even should have done used to haunt me and cause me much pain and even anger…are but a memory and have lost their significance. The one thing that stands out…has always stood out to me is her bravery and the peace that she displayed to the very end. Yes, she had moments where she was scared…moments of concern for the future, but these things did not rule her. Her bravery and her unwavering faith stood and even to this day still stands as a witness to all of what one should do when facing your own death.

This year has seen a lot of change in each of us, some wonderful and even miraculous…others not so much. Struggles to find ourselves in the midst of pain and sorrow…without a mother…without a wife, cut a deep furrow into the lives we grew accustomed to. Like solders on a battlefield, we wandered…shell shocked and weary, some of us searched for reasons why…and others searched for something…anything to fill the void of loneliness that was suddenly there. Anger, hurt, denial, loneliness, guilt and regret all pursued us and threatened to shake the very faith that Amy held onto and that had supplied the hope and peace all of us sorely needed and depended upon during this journey that all of us traversed. There is a window in our hearts through which we can see God. Once upon a time, for us, that window was clear…our view of God was crisp, sharply in focus and we could see God as vividly as we could see the leaves of a tree blowing in the wind or the rushing water flow over the rocks in a brook. Then suddenly and quite unexpectedly, the window cracked. A small pebble…a pebble of pain…had struck and broken the window. Abruptly and without warning, God wasn’t quite so simple to see. The view that was so crystal clear before, was distorted and twisted from the spider web of cracks that were spreading outward from where the pebble…the pain…impacted our lives. We were confused because our eyes couldn’t see that which our hearts knew to be true and for awhile, some of us started to question: God wouldn’t allow something like this to happen, would He? Hebrews 11:1 says, ‘Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.’ I came to realize that there are times when we can’t see Jesus…when everything around us is pitch black and the world is spinning and Satan is laughing and the world points their finger at you and it seems that you are surrounded and you have no where to go…when you can’t see Him, trust Him. Hebrews 13:5b says, ‘…Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.’ …though our view was dimmed and distorted and that which we did see frightened us…Jesus was closer than we thought...

~ V