Ok, guys...please watch this video before reading on...(thanks for humoring me! Oh and don't forget to pause the player at the very bottom of this BLOG)
About a month and a half ago, the former youth pastor at our church came up to me after a Sunday morning service, looked me square in the eyes and told me, 'You don't have to believe the lies, you know. Satan is a liar and he's very good at what he does, but you don't have to believe him.' and then he moved on. Now, I barely knew this guy, in fact I can honestly say that I had never had any sort of conversation with the man other than a brief hello/hand shake on Sunday mornings. But there I stood stunned and I literally couldn't speak even if I had wanted to because of the HUGE lump in my throat.
You see, I've struggled with self-worth for most of my life. Never felt that I was good enough at any sport I tried, never really very good at playing the piano and though I love to sing, I have always questioned my ability. Never the good enough son, father or even husband...the list goes on and on. I've always felt that 'If I was just a little better' or 'If I would have handled that just a little differently' things would be different...
In this video, the character playing God said a few things that really struck home with me, he said 'There are things that you do in your life that do not work, but you go to these empty wells whenever you're hurting, whenever you're angry, whenever you're lonely and tired, but they do not work.' I try to handle my problems on my own and at those times I honestly feel (or I've convinced myself) that I know what's best...but I know that what I'm really doing is trying to prove to myself (yet again) that if I resolve this...if I fix that...that maybe, just maybe I AM good enough. Another thing that struck true with me in this video was when the man told God, 'I just feel like I've let you down SO many times.' that was/IS me...but what God said to the man in response just blew me away...'No...you were never holding me up. I hold YOU up with my victorious, righteous right hand and don't you forget that! In this relationship I hold you up...'
If I'm not ever good enough, if I always feel like I'm going to fail...What does that say about how I feel about how God created me? Does God create something that's bound for failure? or that is worthless?
I really crave your prayers for me with this...even though I read, see and understand these things, sometimes it's not easy...
~ V
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